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Why not? Conservatives call...Margaret: I love that. Why not? Conservatives call it welfare. The conservative concern is that state-supported childrearing would lead to dependency and perpetual breeding for the sake of breeding. And yet what the story you describe raises the question: what if childrearing were dignified and redefined as a career, deserving of respect? What if professional parents were encouraged to leverage skills into other areas of the economy and the economy accepted them?Jeremy Adam Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11733669114207985920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-1131836766880722722007-06-19T11:26:00.000-07:002007-06-19T11:26:00.000-07:00J. D. Robb's series of futuristic mysteries, set i...J. D. Robb's series of futuristic mysteries, set in about 2059-2060, includes the concept of "professional parent." One parent can choose to receive a stipend from the state to stay home with the children, and this is a recognized, respectable career choice. (It's implied that the salary isn't huge, but the principle of acknowledging the care of one's own children and household as "real work" is upheld.)Margaret Carterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08293021955480708191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-48576833112546012442007-06-05T11:37:00.000-07:002007-06-05T11:37:00.000-07:00Thanks, Amy. You know, you're not the first person...Thanks, Amy. You know, you're not the first person to mention that they had problems posting comments that day; it seems that my host was having problems. <BR/><BR/>Jessica (whose comment you are commenting on) and I know each other in real life, and my family might be one of the families she's thinking of -- and yes, for awhile we did tag-team on opposite shifts. It actually didn't occur to us to hire a sitter and work at the same time, largely because we didn't think that arrangement was right for our son at that time. (Now, he's more autonomous and goes to preschool; this was only an issue when he was an infant.) It turned out to be a very stressful structure for us; we were constantly running around and juggling priorities, and my wife and I hardly saw each other, and so our relationship frayed. It's been much easier when one of us is working a sane, flexible schedule and the other mostly stays home. <BR/><BR/>But the big picture here is that family structures today are diverse -- as this dialogue illustrates. People are experimenting with different mixes, without regard to gender roles. An experiment will fail for one family but succeed for another, based on many factors: what's important to the parents, the child's personality, the kind of work they do, whether they have family in the area to help, and so on. I think we as a society have to get to a place where we are comfortable with that, and tolerant of different, flexible structures: traditional, reverse traditional, extended, divorced and remarried, equally shared, and so on. <BR/><BR/>Lately I've been really interested in how gay and lesbian families structure their roles. I see them as a potential model for straight families, because they are making their decisions independent of gender roles, based on things like who makes more money, who has better prospects, who prefers to take care of the kids, and so on. We straight people might have a lot to learn from them about equality and sharing.Jeremy Adam Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11733669114207985920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-20470246777730179992007-06-05T05:58:00.000-07:002007-06-05T05:58:00.000-07:00Great post! I attempted to leave a comment on the...Great post! I attempted to leave a comment on the day you posted, but cyberspace ate it up somehow. Anyway, in reading through the 4 comments above mine here, I felt a stab through my heart seeing these words used to describe two parents working part-time: 'We have seen parents who each work part time and take turns being with their children, and while this might make practical sense, it leaves very little time for them to be a family. The child rarely sees both parents together, and this seems an unusual parenting strategy. The kids don’t see a relationship modeled. The individual parents don’t have the opportunity to develop a unified belief system about how they raise and interact with the kids. In this situation, parenting is more about childcare than it is about parenting.'<BR/><BR/>I don't doubt that the writer's words are true for her. But I can't help wondering why they are so very, very opposite from my experience. My husband and I both choose to work part-time for the express reason that it gives us so much more togetherness and family time. We've downsized our needs for more money and more stuff, in favor of a more balanced life and more time. We see each other the same or more than if we both worked full-time or if one of us stayed at home full-time. Our kids get to see the parenting of two modeled for them in equal shares, and plenty of two-parents-at-once modeling as well. And for the very reason that we share childraising equally, we HAVE to create a unified philosophy for how we raise them. I don't want to debate or undermine the worries of your reader, since I respect that her choices, but I want to correct the idea that two part-time workers fragment the family - they more often draw it closer. Perhaps she is thinking more of tag-team parenting, in which parents work opposite shifts?<BR/><BR/>-Amy (www.equallysharedparenting.com)Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02303169124097797003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-24097449990539779552007-05-31T15:20:00.000-07:002007-05-31T15:20:00.000-07:00I want to thank you three for sharing your insight...I want to thank you three for sharing your insights and stories, and pushing this discussion to another level.Jeremy Adam Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11733669114207985920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-77658393372101207442007-05-31T13:58:00.000-07:002007-05-31T13:58:00.000-07:00I’ve been reluctant to chime in on this discussion...I’ve been reluctant to chime in on this discussion about gender roles in parenting and gender equality therein, but perhaps my perspective may shed some light on the others. <BR/><BR/>We are a two mom family, yet one of us works outside the home full-time, and the other doesn’t. Neither plays dad or male, but the one who stays home also gave birth. I happen to be the ‘outside of the home’ worker because I had a job I enjoyed that would make us nearly enough money to live on as a family, and for the most part, it lets me leave the house at 6, while my partner and son are sleeping so that I can get home by 4 or 4:30, and it leaves me free to co-parent or become primary parent in the afternoons, weekends and all day every day from mid-June to mid-August. This is a pretty good deal, but I know that this is not an egalitarian situation. I know that while my job is difficult, my partner’s is more physically and emotionally taxing and demanding. <BR/><BR/>Much of our decision to have a full-time parent at home stemmed from our beliefs about parenting – that kids grow and learn better when their caregivers have a personal investment in their well-being and growth; that we believe in breastfeeding on-demand until our son decides to wean; that it made no sense to us to have a child and then not see him for 9-12 hours a day; that parenting is work – challenging and satisfying work, but respectable work nonetheless, and leaving it to someone earning $15 an hour whose attention must be split between multiple kids did not fit our ideals. It is difficult enough to give adequate attention to and meet the emotion, intellectual and physical needs of just one child, let alone a room full. My partner’s and my life might certainly be easier with two incomes and 8 or more hours to focus on work, but having a child meant recognizing that our decisions should no longer be simply about our own lives; rather, they are now about our family’s life. We rent an apartment; we don’t own a house. We have an embarrassment of debt. Our clothes are faded and worn. My partner and I could each use a haircut, manicure, pedicure and a regular trip to the gym. Yet we and our son are gloriously joyful. <BR/><BR/>We have seen parents who each work part time and take turns being with their children, and while this might make practical sense, it leaves very little time for them to be a family. The child rarely sees both parents together, and this seems an unusual parenting strategy. The kids don’t see a relationship modeled. The individual parents don’t have the opportunity to develop a unified belief system about how they raise and interact with the kids. In this situation, parenting is more about childcare than it is about parenting. <BR/><BR/>Indeed, as Jeremy and all others have mentioned, we have an economic system set up that encourages childcare over parenting, child and family development. As a public high school teacher, I see the results of this very skewed focus. Um… needs improvement…Jessica, Jackie and Ezrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11303713795084396093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-65443576588257606872007-05-30T09:17:00.000-07:002007-05-30T09:17:00.000-07:00I struggle with the use of the word "egalitarian",...I struggle with the use of the word "egalitarian", because in a real sense the concept is too ideal to consider a worthwhile goal. I will never be equal to my wife, because I am fundamentally different in the way that I think, and by extension any external measure. I'm surprised that it might be some sort of revelation that equality is relative, such that "one person's equality is often predicated on some other inequality." And you are so right to state that Bennetts version of "equality for two people is based on a larger vision of inequality between social classes." <BR/><BR/>By some external measures ours could be an egalitarian family, because she is an MD, I am an engineer with an advanced degree, both of us work full time, and we have 2 young children. She has just now finished residency, so for the past 8 years, mine was the primary income. During that time and now still, I did and continue to do the vast majority of cleaning, house maintenance, cooking, and caregiving to our kids. Is it still egalitarian, then? Such equality measures seem silly if I try to apply them to my life. The point is, I am happy, my wife and kids are happy and healthy, we make tradeoffs, we play to our strengths and we both understand the need to make dynamic sacrifices where we are weak. <BR/><BR/>We continue to move forward despite the lack of support (government, corporate, family, etc), because we want it this way. We certainly are not equal. Each family's location on the "equality spectrum" is going to be different. I'd sort of like to see the discussion shift to how we as a society will allow (not support) families to make their own beneficial tradeoffs, but not measure whether the result is balanced.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02179403544495148083noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-37677383483052897792007-05-29T19:27:00.000-07:002007-05-29T19:27:00.000-07:00Has the civil rights movement failed if it has not...Has the civil rights movement failed if it has not entirely reversed, in the last half century, the lingering effects of over 500 years of injustice and structural disadvantage? And all while racing to stay ahead of an economy that is constantly changing its demands on workers? <BR/><BR/>What these commentators should be doing is adjusting their lens from a persistent focus on middle-class North America to the rest of the world. Then, the fact that even a few men here in the USA don't mind changing a diaper or pushing a stroller will seem revolutionary, to say nothing of the fact that women have begun to access areas of society that were closed to them only a generation ago.<BR/><BR/>A glance across the ocean in any number of directions will show that in many ways feminism has yet to begin (and is therefore incomparably advanced in North America) and that gender inequality is the source of some of the gravest social, political, and environmental problems that afflict the global community. Femi-pessimists might then be less eager to write of feminism's gains here in the US.<BR/><BR/>Give a woman a small amount of capital in Bangladesh, and there's a chance that she may break her family's cycle of poverty where state-directed development never could. Give a woman in India a natural gas stove and she may stop cutting down vital forest habitat. Give a woman in South Africa a condom, and she may prevent her own sexual assassination and that of her children in what may be the greatest case of gender-based injustice in world history.<BR/><BR/>If these commentators feel that feminism has failed in North America, then they have lost a sense of perspective and are propagating a cynicism that leaves no hope whatsoever for rest of humanity.chicago pophttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17055796523227869734noreply@blogger.com