tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post3311875164555384549..comments2023-11-02T09:08:09.242-07:00Comments on <i>Daddy Dialectic</i>: The Objects of My AffectionJeremy Adam Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11733669114207985920noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-85143635242428332132007-09-10T17:29:00.000-07:002007-09-10T17:29:00.000-07:00I think that I probably have gotten better at deal...I think that I probably have gotten better at dealing with these things, after becoming a parent.<BR/><BR/>Take the bureaucrat, who is, of course, based on a real person and niggling issue I'm dealing with right now. I think five years ago I would have been more likely to become aggressive or angry with her. But these days, I'm nothing but polite, partially out of human sympathy, partially because I believe, after years of trial and error, that I'll get better results by being nice. <BR/><BR/>Of course, that doesn't stop me from rolling my eyes as I type emails to her and making rude comments that never make it outside my head.Jeremy Adam Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11733669114207985920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-22938143206658021722007-09-10T15:25:00.000-07:002007-09-10T15:25:00.000-07:00Jeremy's last post basically gets at the first thi...Jeremy's last post basically gets at the first think any self-respecting "realist" or dog-eat-dog conservative is going to ask about woolly stuff like this, which is, "yeah, even Hitler kissed babies, but the real world is a mean place and you can't walk around treating everyone like innocents." It's essentially the Hobbesian view of life.<BR/><BR/>I guess the way I'm understanding it is that parenting can serve as a sort of training for ethical behavior, a sort of disciplining of the emotions and the willful shaping of habits in one's response to certain situations. There needs to be a way of translating from the most intimate affections to the broader society, otherwise utter chaos is the only possibility. <BR/><BR/>This doesn't mean that you won't get pissed at a bureaucrat or someone who cuts you off on the freeway, it's just how you choose to deal with it. Do you verbally escalate? Do you become physically violent? Do you expel the antagonist from the human race and wish them death (I'm not being funny here -- history shows that this is exactly what happens time and time again)? I'm guessing that most people's reactions fall short of these extremes, in part because of some recognition that the other is like us. The ethical training that can come from dealing with children is one way, I'm guessing, of arriving at that.chicago pophttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17055796523227869734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-21340396024124835282007-09-10T14:16:00.000-07:002007-09-10T14:16:00.000-07:00I also had this feeling, and I've also struggled t...I also had this feeling, and I've also struggled to hold onto it. <BR/><BR/>As my son and his little friends get older, what is most striking to me is how set our personalities appear to be from such an early age. One boy shows an immediate interest in fantasy and imaginary friends, and plays with puppets and dolls and invents stories for them; another plays with blocks and puzzles and never seems to fantasize or tell stories. Some kids seem to be born highly strung; others are mellow from the first night at home. And so on. <BR/><BR/>Realizing that does make me, in the abstract, feel more compassionately towards adults. I really feel these days that we are not responsible for our basic personalities; the best you can do, it seems, is try to take the other person's perspective and then try to deal with her on her own terms.<BR/><BR/>But damn--and this tendency is probably encoded in my genes--I find that awfully hard to do as a matter of daily practice. I know that the pointy headed bureaucrat who is holding up my reimbursement check because of a technicality used to be a helpless little baby. But why can't she get her head out of her ass and just send me the right form?<BR/><BR/>Actually, it might be even worse than that. I suspect that as my son demands so much patience and understanding from me, I have much less to spare for other adults. I might be even less tolerant now than I was three years ago. And why should anyone put up with me, even though I used to be a helpless little baby?Jeremy Adam Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11733669114207985920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-55592879671280089062007-09-10T13:56:00.000-07:002007-09-10T13:56:00.000-07:00Lately I've been chuckling to myself at my son's d...Lately I've been chuckling to myself at my son's deep desire to repeat questions 3 or 4 times and my wife's insatiable desire to answer every question before the last words have left his lips.<BR/><BR/>Patience. Or lack thereof.<BR/><BR/>The ability to take a breath, process the information then translate into adult or toddlerese. These are tools I'm trying to convey to both of them.<BR/><BR/>Remembering the times when I wanted to know everything, and I wanted to know them "now," and when "because" as an answer wasn't good enough...that's enough to remind me of how annoying I was, and how I laugh at myself when everything comes full circle.DaddyManhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09281768333986891186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-27552391987699562072007-09-09T07:23:00.000-07:002007-09-09T07:23:00.000-07:00anonymous: that's exactly it! Your child is older ...anonymous: that's exactly it! Your child is older than mine and you have still guarded that insight, which is hopeful! In addition to tempering anger, I sometimes try to summon it when entering into any social situation where patience and tolerance are helpful.chicago pophttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17055796523227869734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23363296.post-70853174470720848452007-09-07T16:49:00.000-07:002007-09-07T16:49:00.000-07:00I have an 11-month-old, and I've had this experien...I have an 11-month-old, and I've had this experience, too. Lately, when I get really frustrated with an adult, I try to remember that he or she was once a baby, and it usually tempers my anger. It's been helpful, and I hope I don't lose that insight as time passes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com